The White Horse Inn is a seven hundred year old pub on the South coast of England, located in the town of Dover. Historically, the White Horse is a place that definitely needs to be preserved as it lies at the foot of a castle and has a rich seven hundred year history. There is even a small cemetery in the back of the building that has gravestones that date back to the 1300’s. Aside from the historical significance, the White Horse also has a very unique cultural significance in the town of Dover. Dover is the starting place where yearly athletes come to try to complete the world famous 34 kilometre swim through freezing cold waters across the English Channel. The White Horse is especially important as it has become a cultural icon for English Channel swimmers. It has become tradition for swimmers to come and have a famous pint from the White Horse after their swim and then sign their name on the wall in the pub next to all the rest of the Channel Swimmers. A few years ago I flew to England with my dad to support him in his quest to swim across the Channel. We visited the White Horse on the night before my dad would attempt the swim. It was a very special experience for us to see the names of all these people that have achieved such an accomplishment. Due to the historical importance of the pub as well as the cultural importance to all English Channel Swimmers as well as the community of Dover, the White Horse is a place that needs to be preserved.
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This essay not only has good supporting details that effectively prove a point, such as concise explanation of the place's context; its authorship has context to the subject matter too (e.g. Canadian nationality and English spelling of words). I can't think of anything that would improve your supporting details because they're all pretty solid already, and you have great transitions too, but I think there's a couple things you can do with the rhetoric and delivery. I'd make a case to
ReplyDelete(a) make this more catchy for the reader; and
(b) make this easier to read.
By far, the easiest way of doing this is breaking this up into smaller paragraphs and underline/bold your thesis. This adds structure and predictability to what you're saying. If I had to guess, I'd say your thesis is "Aside from the historical significance, the White Horse also has a very unique cultural significance in the town of Dover." It's a good declarative statement, it encapsulates your supporting points by foreshadowing into the context of the place, and it's a nice transition from the intro.
You might want to make your sentences longer and give them better variety of syntax order. Half way through describing your personal experience with the Inn you begin to lose your reader because the sentence order all looks the same. Condense them by adjoining them and cut out what isn't necessary; and, at the very least, throw some adverbs in there.
I think this is very good just the way it is!
ReplyDeleteThere is no need to repeat "700 year old inn" in the first couple of sentences. Other than that though, it sounds like a very interesting place with lots of historical value. It may even be one of those places that have an aura to it.
ReplyDelete