WORD COUNT: 300
It was pitch black when we pulled my dad out of the ocean. Other than the lights on the boat I was in, there was only darkness. The thick fog blocked the stars. Pulling my dad out of the water happened quickly, he almost unconscious and extremely hypothermic.
The possibility of this was certainly something he had considered over a year earlier when he had come home and told my family that he was going to attempt to swim across the English Channel. Being a person who sets lofty goals, my father had become obsessed with the idea of completing the 21 mile swim from England to France. While my dad nearly qualified for the Olympics in pool swimming twenty years earlier, he had barely been in the water since. Over the next year I witnessed my dad log endless hours in the pool swimming distances that were mentally and physically exhausting. The drive he had was incomprehensible. I remember asking him why he was doing this even though there was a real possibility of failure. He said that setting a goal that you might not achieve is better than living your life in fear of failure.
Early one morning after much waiting, my dad left the shore of England and headed across the ocean with me in the boat beside him. Conditions weren’t good. It was extremely foggy, the water was 60 degrees and there were large waves. Still my dad took stroke after stroke and kept swimming for twelve hours. One mile off the coast of France we pulled him out barely conscious but still attempting to swim. Even though my dad was disappointed in failing he took pride in staying true to what he believed and I will always be proud of what he did that day in the middle of the ocean.
The Point: Setting big and risky goals and not achieving them is better than being too afraid to set goals at all.
I really like the moral of your story, and the way you show how your dad sets a great example for you. You describe it really well and I can definitely picture your dad training, and the day that he attempts to swim. Also, I like that even though he failed, you show that this is not neccessarily a failure. Good story.
ReplyDeleteThis is looking great. The only sentence that seems like it could be tweaked a little is the second...Maybe something like "Other than my boat's lights, there was darkness" just to tighten it a little.
ReplyDeleteI like stories that start in the action, it really catches my attention. I like that you said you were still really proud of your dad even though he didn't meet his goal.
ReplyDeleteI was very impressed with this one. Your story is powerful and suspenseful and probably one of the best I've read. It ties in with the moral perfectly and I liked how you portrayed your dad almost as if he's a hero. well written man.
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